Been There Wrote This
Underground Comedy
By John Mehno

Looking back on the construction of the two new sports venues on the North Side, can you believe no one ever suggested they be built underground?

Instead, both became part of the skyline. How very 2001.

We won't make that mistake again. We have seen the light and it's on top of the coal miner's helmet. The future is among the gophers or whatever kind of scary wildlife might be thriving below the mean streets.

The revelation came when Sports Finance and Management Group (SFMG), which boldly promised it could a build a new arena completely with private money, also announced the project would be done underground. When that detail was revealed at a news conference, most reporters had the same question: Is crackpot one word or two? Subterranean hockey sounds like a considerable potential advantage for visiting Devils and Oilers, but we need to think progressively.

A hockey night in Pittsburgh could have 18,000 people jamming the down escalator to get to the big game on a Saturday night. It could be hockey the way the ancient Incas played it centuries ago. There would no longer be a problem with birds getting into the building. We could get a whole new round of Mike Lange catchphrases: "Put Sam in a sensory deprivation chamber and throw his dog in, too," and, "She wants to sell my monkey. as a carbon monoxide monitor."

Where was SFMG when public funds were being raided for PNC Park and Heinz Field? Imagine what it would have been like to have 60,000 fans staggering downstairs for a Steelers-Cleveland Browns game. There could have been genuine stalagmite goal posts. No outfielder would ever lose the ball in the sun if the baseball park had been underground. The view would have been as dreary as the Pirates' play.

Two things are certain about a new arena: There's a need for one and conventional funding sources are tapped out. When SFMG emerged, there was hope it would offer a genuine alternative. Instead, we have temporary comic relief that won't seemfunny if the project winds up not getting done.

In other matters:

¥       TV news consultants should come to town to study KDKA, where John Steigerwald is one of the station's main sports voices. If you've watched him for more than 30 seconds, you know he seems to have a generally low regard for sports. The short version: Baseball is a joke, hockey isn't much better, the NFL is a bore and collegiate sports are pretty well messed up, too. And woe to anyone who mentions an upstart league like the WNBA. So what you have is a sports guy who thinks sports are stupid, telling sports fans they're basically chumps for caring. Interesting concept. What's next, a film critic who endlessly rants there hasn't been a decent movie made since 1958?

¥       Fox Sports is running a contest wherein a selected viewer can win $1 million if the Pirates turn a triple play in a specified inning of a Friday game. If that doesn't limit the possibility enough, consider the Pirates have had nine triple plays over their last 36 seasons. They've played 5,692 games, which means conservatively they've played 51,228 innings. Given that math, Fox should throw in an extra $1 million bonus if Honus Wagner is somehow involved in the triple play inning.

John Mehno can be reached online at: johnmehno@lycos.com.