Mad World
"Fishy "Classic"
By Mark Madden

The Bassmasters Classic comes to Pittsburgh July 29-31, 2005. Fish fans are expected to start claiming prime riverbank spots from which to watch any day now.

I'm not sure which is the bigger lie: That this Super Bowl of fishing will bring $25-30 million into Pittsburgh's economy, or that it's safe to eat anything caught out of the toxic Manhattan clam chowder that poses as water in our city's rivers.

Imagine, fat rednecks wearing hats adorned with hooks yanking diseased fish out of the murky muck. Great TV, even if the underwater cameras won't be able to see anything. Are we supposed to take pride in this? Are we supposed to be happy that something that looks like it belongs on Hooterville cable access is coming to Pittsburgh?

The Bassmasters Classic isn't big-league. If it were, it wouldn't be in Pittsburgh. It would be in New York.

The underlying message of the unmitigated joy being spread locally is, of course, who needs the Penguins? This fishing thing brings $30 mil to Pittsburgh, and we DON'T HAVE TO BUILD AN ARENA FOR IT! What will city hall's stance be when Pittsburgh's take turns out to be $4,000 and some salmon eggs.

The fish wrap is solidly behind this, and not just because the tournament winners will ultimately be stored in it.

The fish wrap doesn't want to see public money spent on sporting facilities. Rather than state that opinion in editorials and columns, the fish wrap taints news stories by egregiously praising things like the Bassmasters Classic and the Senior Olympics and by writing pie-in-the-sky articles about privately funded arenas.

Don't trust the fish wrap. Boy, the stories I plan on telling once the paychecks stop coming for good...

So, the Bassmasters Classic, and the fish wrap, are TERRIBLE!

However, stupidity can provide opportunity. The Bassmasters Classic could give selected local celebrities a shot at achieving notoriety of sorts, or at least a chance to catch a friggin' fish.

Some possible scenarios:

Mario Lemieux enters, but every time gambling entrepreneur Ted Arneault seems likely to bite his hook, state legislators yank away the line.

Jason Kendall reels in the largest number of undersized fish, but no big ones.

Bill Cowher enters a catfish that he caught in the second round of the tournament. The catfish is named "Alonzo."

Ben Howland pledges to compete, but reneges and instead enters a deep-sea fishing contest near Los Angeles. "I love all the people in Pittsburgh, but deep-sea fishing off the coast of LA has always been my dream," he says. John Wooden goes missing; it is suspected Howland killed him and used the body for chum.

Jerome Bettis is disqualified when the boat he plans to fish from sinks as soon as he gets in it.

Sophie Masloff accidentally snags a hook in her own mouth while casting. A quick-thinking Phil Bourque grabs her, puts her on the scale, and wins the competition.

In the interest of fairness, I've been trying to learn as much as I can about the Bassmasters Classic, even buying what I thought was a DVD on the subject at the local video emporium. Turns out the title omitted a key letter, much to my embarrassment. I don't know pretend to know everything about life, but I do know that K-Y jelly has nothing to do with fishing.

Mark Madden hosts a sports talk show 3-7 p.m. weekdays on ESPN Radio 1250. Read his column exclusively in the Pittsburgh Sports Report.