Mad World
Fully Loaded
By Mark Madden

Auto racing has become a brave new world given Danica Patrick's, uh, "success" on the Indy car circuit.

By "success," of course, I don't mean that Patrick actually won any races. She's only a girl, after all. But Patrick has put open-wheel racing in the limelight thanks to her "amazing" fourth-place finish at the Indianapolis 500. By "amazing," of course, I mean it's amazing that anyone considers a fourth-place finish impressive. Quick, who finished third? That's right, you don't know.

It's also "amazing" that anyone finds Patrick anything more than marginally attractive. I saw a picture of Patrick arching her back while wearing a tight T-shirt, and she looked like a 14-year-old boy. Only Michael Jackson could possibly be turned on, and he's likely a bit more discerning.

Danica, I'm begging you: Either visit the plastic surgeon, or tuck a couple racing helmets under that T-shirt. Use Ben Roethlisberger's motorcycle helmet. He isn't.

NASCAR, understandably protective of its turf, is looking for an answer to Patrick. Hollywood may have come up with one.

How about Lindsay Lohan driving Herbie, The Love Bug?

In the new film "Herbie: Fully Loaded," the eminently edible Ms. Lohan pilots the beat-up Volkswagen Bug of Disney family movie fame to an improbable berth in the NASCAR finals.

The NFL has inadvertently brought "The Longest Yard" to life via the presence of Jamal Lewis. So why not let Lohan and Herbie spice up the NASCAR circuit? You'd have to fix the races, yeah, but isn't that how Richard Petty became a legend?

A better idea might be to canonize a woman for legitimate athletic accomplishment. But no such animal exists within the freak-show confines of chicks competing against dudes, and women have learned to look down upon female athletes who beat other female athletes as if it's a traitorous act.

So, enter Lindsay Lohan. She's a bit young, but at least she meets the NBA's new minimum age requirement of 19. The fact that Lohan dated Fez from "That '70s Show" bothers me a little. The fact that she was seen making out with Bruce Willis bothers me a lot.

But boy, can Lohan fill out a T-shirt. When looking at Lohan, most men are "fully loaded." And she's not Britney Spears, which counts for a lot these days.

Here's the plot: Lohan and Herbie enter a NASCAR race. All those zany, family-friendly Disney comedy things happen. Headlights wink, oil geysers, horns sigh and exhaust pipes emit flatulent sounds. Tony Stewart assumes Matt Dillon's "Herbie" part as an egomaniacal driver who can't fathom how anyone beats him.

That wouldn't be much of a reach for Stewart. You probably wouldn't even have to tell him he was playing a role.

Then, after the race, Dale Earnhardt Jr. sleeps with Lohan. Yo, why should she be any different than everybody else in the 18-35 female demographic?

Lohan would be scripted to win the race. But accidents do happen. Let's say she wrecks and dies. That's undeniably great TV. Then, next race, Katie Holmes plays Lohan's part. Tom Cruise is her pit boss, so to speak. A little "Days of Thunder" revisited. Herbie gets sponsored by L. Ron Hubbard. (By the way, is Cruise anything besides just plain weird? I don't care how hot Holmes is.)

It would be tremendous if Lohan posed in a thong for a men's magazine. When Patrick did, as noted, it was Neverland Ranch material. Can't you just hear Wacko Jacko's butler after the mailman leaves? "Hey, what the heck is the boss doing subscribing to FHM?"

Why does every quasi-successful female athlete have to morph into a sex object? That would seem to be against the feminist agenda. But as soon as Patrick learned to use the gearshift, somebody stuffed her in butt floss and had her bend lasciviously over the hood of a car.

Tennis player Serena Williams is a female athlete who has enjoyed an incredible degree of legitimate athletic success, and a Jehovah's Witness, too. I often ponder how Jehovah feels when he witnesses Serena stripping down for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Too bad Michelle Wie doesn't have fake ID. She could be a Traci Lords for a new generation of sports fans.

Speaking of which, if Lohan's career ever fell apart, she could always do an erotic version of "Herbie." She would have to swap a lot more than just paint, though.

Mark Madden hosts a sports talk show 3-7 p.m. weekdays on Pittsburgh's ESPN Radio 1250.