Been There Wrote That
QBs And Fake I.D.s
By John Mehno

It's this simple: You should not claim to be Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. It's not only illegal and immoral, it's awfully dumb.

Authorities allege that a local man was impersonating Roethlisberger and backup QB Brian St. Pierre, apparently to impress women. One of the charges against the man stems from his allegedly forging a Roethlisberger signature on a jersey. That should have been a clue right there - a high-profile athlete signing an autograph without collecting a fee.

Guys have been lying about who they are in bars forever. There are more rings in pockets than on fingers at any Happy Hour. Deception predates the invention of football, miniskirts and Tuesday two-for-one specials on drinks with little paper umbrellas in them. Women like rich and famous, so some men claim to be professional athletes. It's easy to do, since no fake Steeler has had to explain why he's not wearing his Super Bowl rings in a long time. You need a good line, a certain body type, a gullible target and a complete absence of conscience. It happens a lot, and the security details of the professional leagues are constantly handling these kinds of situations.

There's a classic case involving a guy who claimed he was a former NBA star. When the lady he was targeting mentioned that he didn't seem to be very tall, he had a creative cover story. He told her he'd had post-career surgery to have his legs shortened so he could better fit in as an average person. If something that preposterous sells, no wonder people are ready to try anything.

But in football-mad Pittsburgh, you can't claim to be the starting quarterback. Especially not one who's having a phenomenal rookie season and shows up on TV every 10 seconds. KDKA-TV does constant market research and it always comes back telling them viewers can't get enough about Roethlisberger. So you wind up with teases like, "Damaging storms are headed our way....but first, we caught up with Big Ben at the multiplex. Wait until you hear what movie he saw!" His picture was in the papers daily and on his own brand of beef jerky, for goodness sake. When the guy's likeness is just an aisle away from Chef Boyardee, you have no chance to pull off the scam unless you're an identical cousin, and that genetic quirk is exclusive to Patty Duke's family.

We don't have gossip columns in Pittsburgh, so a lot of Roethlisberger's socializing went under the radar until he developed a publicist-abetted relationship with an LPGA member. The closest we come to tabloid-styled journalism is the silly "Seen" column in the Post-Gazette, and that's just the same bunch of rich people trying to validate their Botox treatments in the name of Monte Carlo nights for charity. Had someone been tracking Roethlisberger's nocturnal whereabouts, maybe one of the impersonator's targets would have been able to catch on sooner.

Ironically, it appears the St. Pierre scam is the one that caught the accused faker. He told his friend to watch for him during that weekend's game. She did, and decided the player she saw on TV looked nothing like the man she knew. He said he looked different on TV, which may have worked in the snowy days of rabbit ears reception. (Hey, maybe this is a selling point for expensive high definition TVs).

It's a sordid saga and it's always sad when someone's trust is betrayed and exploited. Prosecution should be a deterrent and that would be good.

The last thing we need is athlete impersonators. The real pros contribute enough dubious behavior on their own.

In other matters....

¥ The sad thing (well, one of them) about the Pirates' continuing ineptitude is Pittsburgh is positively starved for a winning baseball team. Every once in a while, the Pirates do something good and you get the idea that PNC Park would be packed and rocking every night if/when the Pirates can put an actual contending team on the field.

¥ Time flies: Someone who is 25 this year was four when Mario Lemieux first played for the Penguins.

¥ Time flies, II: It was 30 years ago this fall that the Pirates and KDKA decided to fire Bob Prince after 28 seasons. That means unless you're at least pushing 40, you probably have no strong memory of The Gunner calling Pirates games.

¥ So the NHL's new economic landscape slays the big-spending giants and gives everyone a chance. Good for the Penguins. But doesn't having player payroll under control lessen the urgency to develop the revenue streams that come from a new arena packed with luxury boxes? Seems like the issue isn't the Penguins' survival as much as it's the degree of their profitability.

¥ Maybe a full year off the job has given Mike Lange some new catch phrases. "Parking rates are lower after 4" might work. Or, "Oh, don't forget to double that coupon, Katie."

¥ OK, NFL Hall of Famer Dick Butkus is going to pretend to be the coach at Montour High School, but they're calling it a "reality" series?

John Mehno has been covering Pittsburgh sports since 1974. His book, "The Chronicle of Baseball" will be published in an updated and expanded form next month by Carlton. He can be reached online at: johnmehno@lycos.com.