Mad World
Jesters in King William’s Court
By Mark Madden

Here's an interesting scenario: Bill Cowher as White House press secretary when JFK gets shot.

Walter Cronkite: "Mr. Cowher, how is the president?"

Cowher: "It's a head injury. That's all I'm going to say."

Cronkite: "Mr. Cowher, we saw Mrs. Kennedy picking pieces of the president's brain out of her hair. Isn't this more severe..."

Cowher (cuts off Cronkite): "Walter, let it go! I've said all I'm going to say about it. Ask the president yourself. It's his brain."

Cronkite: "But Mr. Cowher, we just heard that vice president Johnson has been sworn in…"

Cowher (fixing Cronkite with stare): "I answered your question."

Suffice it to say I'm ashamed to be part of a (cough) industry where an underachieving football coach can feel so superior that he speaks to the media like Moses reading from stone tablets.

Cowher hit a new low in people skills at his Dec. 13 news conference when he both stonewalled and berated KDKA-TV's John Shumway because Shumway had the temerity to pursue the truth about the injured thumb of Ben Roethlisberger.

Where's Zapruder when you need him?

Shumway, strictly speaking, isn't a sports reporter. But that doesn't make his questions any less legitimate.

It should be noted that Shumway serves as KD's sacrificial lamb at the Cowher press conference. Bob Pompeani and John Steigerwald don't want to poison their relationship with King William over something as trivial as actual news, so Shumway has to play Bob Woodward.

I don't blame Shumway. He's just doing his job. I don't blame Pompeani and Steigerwald. You don't foul your own nest if you can help it.

I do blame King William, though. Not for refusing to answer questions about Roethlisberger's thumb. That's his right.

But Cowher is a self-righteous know-it-all who grows more pompous with each passing year. He treats the media like they smell bad unless they serve him some momentary purpose.

Or unless the Steelers win.

As poisonous as Cowher is after a loss, he can be just as gregarious after a win, acting like Mike Douglas the week John and Yoko co-hosted. So add "phony" to the list of uncomplimentary adjectives.

Here's a vintage Cowher tale. The Trib's Rob Rossi quoted former Steelers announcer Myron Cope thusly after Willie Parker excelled in the opener: "If Parker doesn't start next week, somebody should shoot Cowher." Or words to that effect. I rarely buy the Trib, let alone save old issues.

Cowher was angry, apparently thinking that someone might actually follow Cope's dictum. Yo, Bill: If that didn't happen after the 2001 AFC Championship game, it just isn't going to happen.

So Cowher summoned Rossi to his office for a sit-down. Rossi wasn't made to sleep with the fishes, but he did have to explain the obvious, namely that since Cope was the one quoted, perhaps Cowher's problem was with Cope, not Rossi.

King William was apparently pleased with Rossi's repartee, for he ushered the lad out the door with the following bon mots: "You're more of a man than I thought."

Gee, thanks, Bill! And you're not quite the self-important ogre I'd envisioned! It's only going to get worse. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, and Cowher has had absolute power ever since GM Tom Donahoe gave way to errand boy Kevin Colbert. As Dan Rooney steps further away from day-to-day operations, his son Artie takes more and more responsibility, and know this: Artie is scared to death of King William.

Mark Madden hosts a sports talk show 3-7 p.m. weekdays on ESPN Radio 1250.