Mad World
Moscow on the Mon
By Mark Madden

Magnitogorsk, Russia-As I step off the airplane in this gloomy Russian steel town (Pittsburgh with even more babushkas), I am greeted by a man who uncannily resembles former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin.

"Ah, tovarisch," he says. "You look for Malkin? Just missed him."

Such is the irascible sense of humor that belongs to Gennady Velichkin, the GM of Metallurg Magnitogorsk, the former (and future?) hockey team of Evgeni Malkin. As it happens, Velichkin doesn't look like Stalin; he is wearing an incredibly lifelike latex Stalin mask, something he does 24/7.

"Sports terrorists come for Malkin first," Velichkin says. "Maybe next for me."

I have come to Metallurg to get to the bottom of Malkin's quasi-defection to America, but mostly to make Velichkin sound stupid. To that end, though Velichkin speaks almost flawless English, I will quote him using a fractured version of the language to form incomplete, often nonsensical sentences.

"Is fair, I think, tovarisch," says Velichkin.

Velichkin considers Malkin a kidnap victim, held against his will in America. He also says Sidney Crosby is being detained by force in Pittsburgh, which sounds absurd until Velichkin points out that the same is likely also true with me.

"Your talent, too big for Pittsburgh," Velichkin says. "You come Magnitogorsk, do radio show, Morozov's wife pose naked for you. Zubov's, too, and Kournikova." A tempting offer, especially considering that Velichkin has a plan to lure Crosby and other NHL stars to play for Metallurg.

"We will have new owner from America, Mark Cuban," Velichkin says. "He promise invest many rubles, bring over many great players, each with DVD player and crock pot full of borscht in fancy-pants lockers.

"Cuban is good man. Always says will redistribute wealth, but never does. Would be good Soviet premier."

We then proceed to Velichkin's office, where he promises to have evidence proving that Malkin was forcibly abducted and taken to the United States.

"Here is letter of resignation faxed to office by Malkin," Velichkin says, brandishing a crumpled document. "Is obvious forgery. Malkin is idiot, but some words on fax spelled right. Somebody else write this.

"Then," Velichkin says, "I get this note from same fax. Malkin sent when kidnappers leave office, maybe to smoke heroin, which they make him do, too."

I look at the second fax. The writing is undeniably different than on the "resignation" fax. It says:

"Help. Am prisoner in America. Am forced to take drugs, drink champagne, make love to beautiful girls and skate on line with Andre Roy. Cannot take much more. Please help. Malkin."

Velichkin then produces a third note, which he says he faxed to Malkin in response:

"Malkin: Entire Russian nation behind you. You are national treasure. KGB, Russian mob, Reno 911 all look for you. Do not sign contract, or any souvenir items. Will dilute memorabilia market. Do not drink gatorade. Water only. Be strong. Velichkin."

When I point out that the handwriting on the note "to" Malkin matches exactly the handwriting on the note "from" Malkin, Velichkin blanches.

"Da, tovarisch, you are right!" Velichkin says. "Sports terrorists forge my handwriting! They have no shame! Lenin spins in grave like outboard motor!"

A quick check reveals that being forced to skate on a line with Andre Roy is, indeed, against the rules of the Geneva Convention.

So what happens next in the Malkin saga? The avenging angel of Russian hockey thoughtfully strokes his fake mustache.

"Don't know," Velichkin says, sighing. "Maybe kidnap Malkin back. Maybe Russian mob shoot Clarence Campbell. Maybe take pair of jeans in trade. Nice jeans. Pre-worn by Carmen Electra, then not washed. Scorpions live DVD too."

Mark Madden hosts a sports talk show 3-7 p.m. weekdays on ESPN Radio 1250.